THE SHAME OF THE PAST

according to my minimal research, al jourgensen has turned his back on the the first ministry album, stating that it's overtly poppy sound was due to interference from his record label at the time. although this is in no way unheard of, my belief is that he's simply embarrassed that the pouty-pseudo-english-accented-spiky-haired youth pictured here doesn't fit in with his more current dreadlocked-wanderer/warrior-of-the-post-apocalyptic-wasteland musical persona. this got me thinking. just because i greatly prefer the wimpier version of al doesn't mean i can't totally relate to the way he feels. i mean, looking back on the version of myself that recorded the first ladyhawk album a mere 5 years ago, i can't help but feel a little embarrassed myself. not so much about the music, which is admittedly and perhaps charmingly mediocre (and although there may have been a bit of label interference there as well, i can assure you that it was for the best), but more for my behavior and overall naivety at the time.
who doesn't look back in shame now and again? maybe you don't want your new headbanging friends to know that you were once a headbanded hippy or something. for me it's also not so much about an inability to embrace the past, but more an unwillingness to accept that for all your growth, maturity and wisdom acquired through experience, you might just be fundamentally the same exact fucker you always were. time marches on and you merely lacquer on more and more layers of whatever it is you need to hide who you really are deep down. or maybe that's just my fear. surely the object of life is to strip away all the layers of bullshit and artiface, revealing that single glowing nugget of your true and beautiful soul.
whatever.
i just can't help but feel that that "single glowing nugget" in my case is actually a spoiled, attention-craving eight year old fat kid.
zing!
it's not like i'm lying awake at night thinking about it. i'm too busy lying awake thinking about all the other shitty and embarrassing things i've ever done. the truth is, that's life. we can only hope to come to terms and make peace with the parts of ourselves we strive to hide and instead strive to become the people we wish to project to the world.
i'm sorry, i've been listening to new age music again.
you don't have to be proud of your past, but you have to own it.