Thursday, May 22, 2008

KILL EVERYONE NOW!

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so here i am, chilling in oklahoma city with my man brad wittle, watching a townes van zandt dvd...
i tried to do a post in the middle of last week, but i deleted it. nobody wants to read the rantings of a man deep in the darkest fathoms of depression (i mean, nobody WOULD read it, but...), talking about how the world is ending and how nobody cares about anything and how everything is utterly meaningless and pointless. sounds great, dude. i then went into a detailed recounting of my life-long struggle with depression and how i used to take pills and how now i just medicate myself with drugs and alcohol.
i don't know, i just got bummed out. i think it's taken me this long to realize exactly who i am, where i am and where i'm going. i got some perspective on my life. the writhing adolescent punk in me looked up for a minute and saw the horizon, saw that the end of the road is closer than when he last looked. is it a bad thing in life to hold onto your fantasies when reality is so fucked up? i guess not. it's really hard for me not to view everything in the context of what i feel to be the "big picture", which is that everything is ultimately, utterly pointless and meaningless while at the same time being full of secret meaning and significance.
this is the essential conflict. i generally view things from the dark side.
i've realized that very few people will care about the music i make, but some people will care a lot. what's better?: a lot of people kind of caring about your songs (and probably just one song they heard online) for a minute or a couple people feeling deeply affected by something you've done.
at pretty much every show on this tour there's been one or two people who REALLY love our band.
thank you.
you rule and you make me want to keep going.
unfortunately, it's hard not to feel like you're drowning in a sea of indifference and snide hostility. people don't know who we are and if they do, they ain't feeling it. that's cool, i get it. everyone's a critic. a lot of people think our record is shit, and maybe it is, but it's my shit and it's the best shit that i can shit, you know?
i'm just trying to make something good and maybe i'll never get close, but at least i'm trying and at least i'm putting it out there...
right?

"...you tell me that i make no difference, but at least i'm fucking trying! what the fuck have you done?"

i love rock and roll and i know that it will never die.

5 comments:

Amanda said...

I care.

Also, I kow you're not the big NoMeansNo fan like I but I just had to point out that the title of your post is indeed a NoMeansNo song and lyrics would fit your mood I'm sure, here's a sample:

Here it is lonely
Here where i lie
Here it is empty
Here in my heart
Here there is no one
Here where i am
Here it is empty
Here in my heart
Here where i lie

Grab the handle
Cock the hammer
Pull the trigger
Change the channel
Grab the handle
Cock the hammer
Change the channel
Pull the trigger

Kill everyone now
Please, kill everyone now
Kill everyone now

Amanda said...

I'm wondering when it was that I forgot how to spell and type.

Jacob said...

hey duffy, stop whining.
you're awesome

Chad said...

Duffy, you fucking rock! I'm listening to your old stuff right now (God of Science and Under the cities)

frednab said...

uh, your last album was the most refreshing bit of rock in fuckin roll i've heard in quite some time.

don't ever stop making music, duder.

i woulda repasented at the baton rouge show, but i started a new job the day before. that and it was about 4 hours away. Next time, i'll be drunk and rocking

Shots is the best album i've heard all year.

Keep on rocking dudes!