Thursday, May 22, 2008
KILL EVERYONE NOW!
so here i am, chilling in oklahoma city with my man brad wittle, watching a townes van zandt dvd...
i tried to do a post in the middle of last week, but i deleted it. nobody wants to read the rantings of a man deep in the darkest fathoms of depression (i mean, nobody WOULD read it, but...), talking about how the world is ending and how nobody cares about anything and how everything is utterly meaningless and pointless. sounds great, dude. i then went into a detailed recounting of my life-long struggle with depression and how i used to take pills and how now i just medicate myself with drugs and alcohol.
i don't know, i just got bummed out. i think it's taken me this long to realize exactly who i am, where i am and where i'm going. i got some perspective on my life. the writhing adolescent punk in me looked up for a minute and saw the horizon, saw that the end of the road is closer than when he last looked. is it a bad thing in life to hold onto your fantasies when reality is so fucked up? i guess not. it's really hard for me not to view everything in the context of what i feel to be the "big picture", which is that everything is ultimately, utterly pointless and meaningless while at the same time being full of secret meaning and significance.
this is the essential conflict. i generally view things from the dark side.
i've realized that very few people will care about the music i make, but some people will care a lot. what's better?: a lot of people kind of caring about your songs (and probably just one song they heard online) for a minute or a couple people feeling deeply affected by something you've done.
at pretty much every show on this tour there's been one or two people who REALLY love our band.
you rule and you make me want to keep going.
unfortunately, it's hard not to feel like you're drowning in a sea of indifference and snide hostility. people don't know who we are and if they do, they ain't feeling it. that's cool, i get it. everyone's a critic. a lot of people think our record is shit, and maybe it is, but it's my shit and it's the best shit that i can shit, you know?
i'm just trying to make something good and maybe i'll never get close, but at least i'm trying and at least i'm putting it out there...
"...you tell me that i make no difference, but at least i'm fucking trying! what the fuck have you done?"
i love rock and roll and i know that it will never die.