Tuesday, January 8, 2008


when you were a kid do you ever remember there being a fad or craze where kids would breathe really heavy and hyperventilate and then another kid would put pressure on their neck or chest or something and make them pass out? maybe it was just a west coast thing, but i clearly remember witnessing this phenomenon in action at parties (i use the term "party" loosely as this pertains to 10 or 11 year olds), and it really weirded me out. it's funny how kid's will do all kinds of fucked up things to get, well, fucked up. like stopping the flow of blood and oxygen to your brain until you loose consciousness. honestly, just huff some glue or gas, it's easier and you get basically the same effect with the added bonus of permanent brain damage.
have you ever fainted? it is the worst fucking feeling. everything starts to get really small and intense and dark and your ears buzz and you feel all cold and clammy, then the next thing you know you open your eyes with absolutely no idea where you are or what's going on. fun times. unfortunately, this is a sensation i know all too well. i am a fainter.
i have this thing where if i get up to pee in the middle of the night i have to be careful and sit down, otherwise it's lights out! seriously, this has happened to me many times, i have woken up on bathroom floors, in bathtubs wrapped in shower curtains, with my face smashed up against the toilet and so on. i have been to the doctor and been told that this is apparently quite common, i am in good health and have nothing to worry about. huh. anyway, i've learned it's best to just sit down.
another thing i've noticed is that i'm becoming increasingly squeemish. i never used to be this way, but now if somebody even starts to talk about broken bones or blood i start to swoon. i literally get weak in the knees. i know! what a puss, right? a guy at my work recently ripped a big chunk of skin off his hand and i had to sit down for half an hour! like an old woman! i actually feel kind of nauseous right now just thinking about it.
up until last night i thought that my "little problem" only related to the real world and actual blood and guts, but not so! last night i watched rob zombie's remake of halloween and actually started to faint! the movie itself isn't really that great, but all the stabbing? forget about it. it's fucking weird, i have seen hundreds of gory horror movies and have never felt like that before. except for maybe when i tried to watch the passion of the christ. gross. now, keep in mind i was vastly stoned at the time (actually, i think i was stoned when i watched the passion of the christ as well. not recommended.), but honestly?
i'm just glad i wasn't in the movie theater, can you imagine that? i would be the guy who fainted in the movie theater because rob zombie just brought it on too real for me. fucking beautiful.


Lauren said...

have i got a story for you: in grade 9 we were having some sort of sex ed talk. not sure what exactly the topic was but anyway we got on the subject of female genital mutilation. (those three words are enough to make me pass the fuck out at any time.) so my teacher continues to talk about the goings on of FGM. i start to feel weird. that tunnel vision thing, y'know? everything's small and your ears are ringing. you know you're going to faint at any given time so you need to get the fuck out of wherever you are. so i get the fuck out of the class room and just faint right there in the middle of the hallway. passed.right.out. probably a minute later i wake up to three random students and a teacher trying to wake me up. they take me to the medical room and feed me a twix bar and some juice. my older sister comes to pick me up and accuses me of being stoned and promises not to tell my mom what happened. i get most of the day off school and a free chocolate bar. fucking rad.

jay said...

the only time i fainted it was from nitrous on bourbon street(age 20?) and i came to real quickly, like a switch turned on. "why are ya'll all looking at me?" my friend Keith was really worried and when I came to all-of-a-sudden he was convinced that I had been playing a trick. it took me an hour to convince him I had passed out for real as he was fighting mad.

marena said...

passing out can be an unexpected surprise, of the joyous kind - i held on to a breath of hydrogen air from a balloon a little too long once. it's kind of like the oxygen addict's speedball

Sean said...

you know i know about passing out.

Holly said...

yeah, I'm a fainter as well. I usually find some way to really hurt myself when it happens, too. Once it was when I was balancing on a cement wall and I toppled right off onto the pavement (chin first), another time I fell straight forward and my eye landed on the stair banister and smashed up my glasses. hasn't happened in a few years though.

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